The 101 Questions – Question 9: …Why Or Why Not?

This is the ninth post in a series based on the blog post 101 Important Questions To Ask Yourself in Life.

This question is a follow up to Question 8: Do You Love Yourself? In that post, I essentially answered this question, but it’s an important point and one that bears delving into more deeply.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I can’t say that I currently love myself. There are too many current issues, questions for which I have not found an answer, and maybe haven’t even found the right question. I know what I want, but I’m unsure as to why I can’t seem to get it. I question whether I deserve to have what I want, whether I’m capable of being the person that attracts those people and those feelings that I want.

To love oneself, in my mind, is to truly be comfortable in one’s own skin. I have experienced that, but it has been a long time. At one point, I gave up who I was, what I loved to be “responsible”, to take care of someone else. At first, that was manifested in the “settle down and get married” definition of being responsible. But after a few years and a diagnosis, it literally became “taking care of someone else”. I gave up who I was completely to be the person in the relationship that was the watchdog, the caretaker. To monitor moods and try to head problems off before they could explode. To deal with the reality of being a partner to someone with a disorder that leaves them unable to control their moods without medication, and whose medications for managing the disorder had their own, often debilitating effects.

Then came the birth of my daughter. Now there were two to keep watch over. That sapped energy out of me in a way I can’t begin to describe. When my daughter’s mom left us, I was left alone to care for her – something I really wasn’t prepared for. I had always seen myself as being the layback dad, sharing the responsibility. Now, I had all the responsibility of raising a then 4-year-old little girl.

I was told by plenty of folks the things I already knew: I needed to ask for help, I had been a caretaker too long. These were all things I knew. And they were the reasons I started to realize I didn’t love myself. I wasn’t the strong, “invincible” guy I once was. I had been drained. I had given up everything that defined me, and had nothing left to show for that. Nothing, that is, but a beautiful little girl who needed her daddy more than ever. And so, I couldn’t just go back to being that guy. I had simply transitioned to another caretaker role, one far more important than the previous one. But I wasn’t the guy that my daughter deserved to know.

When I did get into a relationship, I went to the other extreme. I allowed myself to give up a lot of responsibility, and that only made things worse. I didn’t like the person I was becoming, but the relief of pressure, however temporary, felt good. But that’s not the person I am, or want to be. So, the process of falling out of love with myself deepened. I no longer knew how to get back to where I had been. And simultaneously, I was not giving the relationship or my daughter the care, emotion, and dedication that they deserved. I had withdrawn into a shell of myself, hoping that somehow, magically, the invincible guy would come back.

He didn’t.

Since then, I’ve taken strides to be that guy, with limited success. It’s back to just me and the munchkin, and I’m doing better by her. I’m a better dad. Maybe not the greatest, but better and improving. But it hasn’t been easy, and I’ve had to ask for help far too many times. I have always been the fixer, and asking for help is very difficult for me. Despite that, I have been forced to ask for it over and over in the last 18 months, and it has been humbling.

I will be that guy again, and be able to find those things within me that I love. But I’m not there yet.