Beware the WMF...

They’re all around you – the WMF.

Well-Meaning Folks.

They don’t try to be disruptive. The things I mention above are rarely intentional. But they do it, and with alarming frequency. For example, in the last few days, I’ve been dealing with the loss of my job. As a whole, I’m ok with it, and the search for a new job is under way. But in telling one individual about this, about the fact I was terminated, I got the question “And what did you learn from this?”.

I had to really tamp back my initial reaction, which was “I’m 46 years old and have managed people for 25 years? Why are you asking me a question you’d ask an 18-year-old who lost his job at McDonald’s??”

They think they’re helping.

But I realized that it was meant in the form of constructive criticism. Still, I knew what worked and what didn’t. I knew why the job wasn’t a fit for me or for them. And I knew that a big problem was that at heart, I am a manager, and this was a junior position with little or no path to move up. It wasn’t going to work. Yet that question just rubbed me the wrong way.

There’s lots of those in our daily lives. Like the people who refuse to accept that something has changed or who needs to degrade anything positive. They think they’re helping. They’re the ones who you tell good news to, and the response is “Well, I hope it lasts. Better be prepared for it to fall through”. Often, these folks think they are preparing you so you don’t fall too hard, toughening you up for life. Might be OK when you’re a teen, not so much at middle age.

My dad was like this. He was brought up old school, and his education was the School of Hard Knocks. The way he was brought up, you had to be tough to survive. So that’s what he learned, and how he tried to deal with us boys as we grew up. It could be frustrating, and it wasn’t until I was about 25 that I realized what was going on.

It happened one day when I went by to visit him, and took over a tape of music I had recorded. I was working with a community theater group and had recreated an orchestral score for a production. I took it over, popped in the tape (yes, I’m old enough to remember tapes…) and played it for him. He was less than impressed. Blew it off essentially. I was pissed. I went into the next room to cool off. I was proud of my work – I knew it was good!

About then, a family friend stopped by. And I heard something I didn’t expect.

Pops played the tape for the friend. “Listen to this – Leo made it!”

The sound of his voice was different – proud. And nothing like the reaction I got from him. It was one of a proud dad showing off what his son had accomplished. But why didn’t I get that. The reason was simple: If he gave me that reaction, he’d be “too soft” and I wouldn’t be ready for rejection.

The sound of his voice was different – proud. And nothing like the reaction I got from him.

At that moment, my dad was a member of the WMF. His intentions were pure and good. He just didn’t realize that they weren’t helpful to me. That’s when I started realizing the power that WMFs have. And it’s extra hard to deal with because you know, deep in your heart, they are only trying to help.

So, how do you deal with them? Here’s some tips:

Remind yourself that this person is really just trying to help – Really, they are. It may not seem like it, but that’s the intent. Just remember that they’re on your side, even when it feels like they’re not.
Try to figure out what they think they’re helping with – The person who asked me what I “learned” from losing my job didn’t intend to sound condescending. They just wanted to impress on me that there might have been something there that I could take away for my next job. It wasn’t intended to be insulting. So I can choose to allow it to be insulting, or let it go. I’ll let you figure out which one is heathier.
Don’t Set Yourself Up - There are some folks that are going to be hard core WMF agents no matter what you do. You know who they are, and you can probably recite word for word the response they’ll give you for anything you tell them. So don’t tell them. It’s pretty simple. If you know they’ll give you grief, and you give them the ammunition, don’t be surprised when they feed it right back to you. You got a clear-cut choice: Either don’t share those things that will get them started, or suck it up and accept that’s what’s coming.

Now to be sure, I’m, not perfect at this – by any stretch. When I walk myself into one of those situations I’m just as upset with myself as I am with them, because I knew it was coming. So truthfully, it’s my own damn fault. And we should be thankful that we have folks in our lives that care enough to try.

Just make sure you’re ready the next time the WMF come ’round…

Writer, Photographer, Host of Edited For Clarity

Beware the WMF…