Memo To Parents – It Ain’t The TV Machine’s Fault

MEMORANDUM

To: Parents of pretty much any kid

From: A Single Dad

Subject: It Ain’t The TV Machine’s Fault

cc: The Media

It has come to my attention that there is an increase in criticism of the media regarding the images being delivered to children. These images are often salacious, featuring objectified women, inappropriate sexuality for the age groups viewing, rude and inappropriate behavior, and generally things that kids shouldn’t see. All true.

However, the criticism is missing one important – very important – fact: It’s not the TV machine’s fault.

Let’s look at some realities. The number of hours of TV watched, for example. I grew up in the 70s and 80s. And I can say with absolute certainty that we watched far more TV than people would like to admit. In our neck of the woods, you knew when Pops would be home by the TV schedule. From 3:00p to 5:00p, we were in front of the TV. Little Rascals, then the Three Stooges, followed by Kimba the White Lion and Speed Racer. Every weekday. During the summer, there was at least one additional hour watching Twilight Zone (the original Rod Serling, not the Forrest Whitaker version). So during the summer, before dinner was ever on the table, we had put in at least three hours of TV. Add in Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune and at least one hour of TV after that, and you’re looking at five hours of TV every weekday during the summer, four during the school year.

And yet, we turned out ok. So did the vast majority of us growing up at that time. We didn’t grow up poking each other in the eyes, or trying to jump our cars over yawning chasms. We just grew up.

No, at that time, the big concern was that we played Dungeons and Dragons. For hours. You can ask my brothers and cousin. We played and played. And all the while, the “media” was reporting protests of D&D because it was purportedly a gateway to satanism, a cult, or some other such nonsense. All claptrap.

So what does that have to do with today’s media? Very simply, it’s that the problem isn’t the media. It’s us.

Let’s look at the ratings for last week on broadcast TV:

Because it’s football season, we’ll have to take out a few of the shows. But it can easily be argued that there are plenty of “less than wholesome” images on football. And I’m not talking about Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction”. But after the football is taken out, look at what’s number one.

A show that features the kind of attitudes we absolutely don’t want to teach our kids is the number one show on network television. It’s number one because we watch it.

Two And A Half Men: TV’s highest-rated non-sports show, even after the Charlie Sheen debacle. And what’s it about? Let’s check the last few episodes. There’s the one where “Jake crushes on his chemistry tutor, who in turn has taken a liking to Walden. Meanwhile, Alan can’t stop reading an old journal of Charlie’s.” Nope, no chance of that one being a bit racy. Or how about “Alan isn’t thrilled when he learns of Lyndsey’s adult film, and Walden hosts an impromptu party to lift his spirits.” It’s a funny show, and one of the elements that made Sheen funny was the over-the-top nature of his womanizing ways. But how many kids are being allowed to watch that. We laugh at the ridiculous attitudes, but how many kids see that laughing and think it makes it ok?

A show that features the kind of attitudes we absolutely don’t want to teach our kids is the number one show on network television. It’s number one because we watch it. We watch, the ratings go up. The ratings go up, and the advertising rates go up. Advertisers see their sales go up because of advertising on the show, so they emulate that show in their campaigns. And we purchase those products and watch the shows, reinforcing the whole system.

The “media” are businesses, run by corporations. Their job is to maximize profits. They are not the arbiters of what is good for our kids. We are. When we watch a show, it drives up ratings. And when we watch that show, we support, willingly or not, the messages that show puts out.

How about movies? How many kids do you know that are “Twi-hards”. Let’s consider that for just a minute. Somehow, somewhere along the line, we’ve converted the “evil vampire” and “deadly werewolf” into teen heartthrobs. And how young are some of these girls to be introduced to a sexually-charged series of films?

Right now, some of you are saying to yourselves “Wow, this guy is a real prude”, or “He just doesn’t understand the movie”.

I’m not saying these TV shows and movies shouldn’t be produced. On the contrary, they’re all great entertainment – for the appropriate audience. When I go to watch a movie like “Casino Royale”, a typical shoot-em-up James Bond flick, and there are four- and five-year-olds in the theater, I wonder what in the world that parent is thinking. When I see teens by themselves in a PG-13 movie, especially the early teens, I wonder if parents remember that “PG” stands for Parental Guidance. Here’s the MPAA’s definition of PG-13:

A PG-13 rating is a sterner warning by the Rating Board to parents to determine whether their children under age 13 should view the motion picture, as some material might not be suited for them. A PG-13 motion picture may go beyond the PG rating in theme, violence, nudity, sensuality, language, adult activities or other elements, but does not reach the restricted R category. The theme of the motion picture by itself will not result in a rating greater than PG-13, although depictions of activities related to a mature theme may result in a restricted rating for the motion picture. Any drug use will initially require at least a PG-13 rating. More than brief nudity will require at least a PG-13 rating, but such nudity in a PG-13 rated motion picture generally will not be sexually oriented. There may be depictions of violence in a PG-13 movie, but generally not both realistic and extreme or persistent violence. A motion picture’s single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, initially requires at least a PG-13 rating. More than one such expletive requires an R rating, as must even one of those words used in a sexual context. The Rating Board nevertheless may rate such a motion picture PG-13 if, based on a special vote by a two-thirds majority, the Raters feel that most American parents would believe that a PG-13 rating is appropriate because of the context or manner in which the words are used or because the use of those words in the motion picture is inconspicuous

In other words, the board doesn’t think kids under 13 should see this, but leaves it up to parents. And it’s pretty clear about what makes things a PG-13 rating. But the key in their rating is “parental guidance”. Parents are supposed to screen the movie first, then decide of it is appropriate for their kids. And this is where the failure happens. Kids want to see the latest movie, and get dropped off by their parents at the theater. That’s it – and I’m fairly certain there isn’t a good discussion of what was in the film afterwards. Maybe a “how was the movie?”

More and more, parents seem to be abdicating responsibility for their children’s attitudes and values to teachers, TV and advertisers in an effort to be more of a “friend’ to their kids. Then they’re shocked when their kid acts inappropriately, and blame that behavior on – you guessed it – teachers, TV and advertisers. They don’t take responsibility for raising their kids, then blame everyone else for not doing it for them, and wonder why their kids can’t take responsibility on their own.

You are the parent. It really is that simple. If you don’t like the messages your child is getting, stop allowing them. It doesn’t make you mean, or “super-strict” or a “helicopter parent”. It makes you a good parent.

So, where is this memo going?

Here are a few pointers and things to look for before you start a rant about the media.

- Abercrombie & Fitch doesn’t sell push-up bras designed for 7-year-olds to phantom customers. Someone is buying them or they wouldn’t sell them. They are in business to sell products, and I’m pretty darn sure that the 7-year-old isn’t walking in with a loaded debit card asking for a push-up bra.
- What websites does your kid visit? You don’t know? Why not? Sorry, but it’s not prying to monitor your kids web activity. It’s parenting. Invest in monitoring software and firewall protection. It’s cheap, and not only does it keep your home computers safe, but they generally allow you to block off individual websites until you have checked them out.
- 8-year-old do not need to have a cellphone. Period. The only time someone needs a cellphone is if they are going to be somewhere by themselves and need to be able to make a call for assistance. There is no situation I can think of where an 8-year-old should be by themselves without adult supervision of some type. At school, there’s plenty of ways for them to get hold of you. And no, the ability to text their friends is not a need.
- Mini-skirts and short-shorts on a minor are not cute. They are disturbing. Especially if that kid is younger than 14 years old. There’s no reason for it. They aren’t buying these clothes for themselves. Quit enabling it.
- How we treat our friends, in act and word, is mimicked by our kids. When you refer to your best friend as a “biotch”, even as a joke – it sends the message that it’s acceptable. Call your best bud an a**hole in front of your son, and that makes it ok to your son. Your kids look to you for cues as to how to behave. Don’t delude yourself into thinking they now the difference between you doing it and them doing it.
- Don’t like the messages on TV? Change the station. Don’t like the violence/sex/language in the movies? Don’t go. Vote for the entertainment you want with your wallet. Censorship is bad. Producers should be able to create all forms of entertainment. They aren’t guaranteed that they will have an audience.
- Before you blithely leave your favorite station on the radio, you might want to listen to the lyrics.Right now, the number 3 song on Billboard’s Top 100, features the lyrics “All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, you’d better run, better run, outrun my gun. All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, you’d better run, better run, faster than my bullet.”
The number 2 song has this little gem: “You want to know how to make me smile -Take control own me just for the night”

There’s plenty more in the top rotations on radio. You might want to really listen to the lyrics before you crank it up in the car. Because I can assure you – your kids are learning those lyrics.
- Teachers aren’t babysitters. They’re there to teach your kids academics. It’s your job to teach them manners and responsibility. If you aren’t going to open houses, back to school nights, parent-teacher conferences and every other opportunity to find out how your child is doing, you are failing your kid. You are the most important part of your child’s growth, and if you don’t make the effort to show that school is important to you, why would your child?

You are the parent. It really is that simple. If you don’t like the messages your child is getting, stop allowing them. It doesn’t make you mean, or “super-strict” or a “helicopter parent”. It makes you a good parent.

We aren’t perfect. We make mistakes. Our kids don’t come with user manuals, and even if they did, every kid is different, and needs different parenting from us. Sometimes, it’s harder than we’d like, and we don;t have all the answers. But the key is that they need parenting. The minute we allow ourselves to blame the media for our kids learning the wrong message, we have abdicated our responsibility as parents.

Don’t blame the TV machine. It doesn’t come on by itself, and it doesn’t pick the channels we watch. The next time you think Don Draper is delightfully chauvinistic or laugh at those Desperate Housewives, or even marvel at Dexter’s dichotomy as serial killer/anti-hero, look around the room. If you’re kid is there watching with you, it’s your fault, not the TV’s.

h/t to Missy at LiteralMom.com – her post started this conversation