The Loose Thread On The Sweater

Fair warning: I’m venting.

I’m not a perfect dad. Nor a perfect person. I am indeed, like most people, flawed. I know that about myself, I accept it, and I do my best to improve. I can accept constructive criticism, albeit with a wince.

I do my best to be a good dad to my daughter. I never expected to be a single dad, and have had to learn the nurturing thing. I struggle with it daily. Add to that the fact that my daughter has traits of Asperger’s Syndrome as well as her having to deal with a non-present mom, and things get a little complicated . Still, we do our best.

I never expected to be a single dad, and have had to learn the nurturing thing. I struggle with it daily.

Nope, she’s not perfect either. She likes wearing mismatched clothing. She has a penchant for wearing skirts, skorts and shorts even when it’s below 50 degrees outside. Some mornings, I miss checking every single item she wears, and she gets by wearing slippers to school. Or she forgets her homework folder at one of her grandmothers’ houses. None of these are earth-shattering, but they can be annoying. We continue to work on it.

Neither one of us are perfect. We know that. And we are working on it.

But imperfect as we are, there is a line to be drawn when it comes to others’ criticism. When someone starts bad-mouthing me to my child, or starts insulting her for her choice of clothing, it goes too far. When that criticism gets down to insulting both me and my daughter because she wore a dark blue shirt with lighter colored blue jeans, it’s beyond acceptable. And yes, I do mean insulting, not criticism.

I don’t like asking for help. Hate it, actually. But I’ve had to learn. And many of the people important in my life have stepped up when I needed it, multiple times. And for the most part, they neither asked nor expected anything in return. But that isn’t true of everyone. In some cases, the help has been offered, but came with an expectation that it allowed the individual to be hypercritical, to be disrespectful, to cross the boundaries of civil behavior. To the point where it has affected my daughter.

I have tried to be sympathetic, to try to understand why they might feel that they have a right to such behavior. Why they might think that insult would be more effective. But I can’t do it any longer. I have held my tongue and endured tirades and disrespect, even in my own home, because there was a grain of truth in what they said. And I have tried to take that grain of truth to heart. But there comes a time when a line is crossed, and enough is enough.

I’m sure I’m not the only parent who has had to make these choices to keep food on the table and a roof over their children’s heads.

After three months of unemployment, I have been fortunate to land a job that I love. So far, it hasn’t paid me greatly, but it will come. There is some sacrifice – I have worked long hours, and being in retail, the job has cost me time with my daughter. I try to make the most of the time we do have together, but it’s going to be a challenge for awhile.

I’m sure I’m not the only parent who has had to make these choices to keep food on the table and a roof over their children’s heads. It’s not ideal by any stretch, and it involves picking up my daughter from whomever is watching her after her bedtime, sometimes as much as 2 hours. I’m not happy about it, but that is the situation as it stands.

Tonight, I was told I was irresponsible for taking this job. In three months, I hadn’t received a single interview until this job. Not one, after dozens of resumes sent out.

I was told I shouldn’t have had to look for a job, if I had done my last job.

I was told I was irresponsible for allowing my daughter to wear slippers to school.

My daughter was told she was irresponsible for wearing a shirt and jeans of different shades of blue. And that since I said they looked fine, I needed to get a new sense of style.

If these were singular occurrences, I would let them roll off. But they aren’t. They have been recurring. And they have to stop. They require me to make some difficult decisions about relationships going forward. They may require me to make adjustments at work that could take away time between my daughter and I. But in the end, the level of angst and frustration felt by all involved will be reduced. Particularly for my daughter.

I used to have a very difficult time asking for help. Frankly, I still do, but at least I’ve learned to do it, and to accept it. And one of the reasons I had that trouble was because I was afraid there would be strings attached, that something would be expected back. When I’m asked for help, the only expectation I have is that if I need help someday, I can ask for it in return. In the last 2 years, I have had to be on the asking end. And when those who have helped me ask for help, they get it.

It is especially hurtful when a child is used as a weapon and/or a target.

But one thing I do not expect is the right to tell those I help how to run their lives. If I am offended, insulted, or just plain disapprove of their decisions, I can choose not to help. But I have no right to tell them how I think they should lead their lives. In my philosophy, helping doesn’t give you that right. You help because you want to, and nothing is expected in return.

It is especially hurtful when a child is used as a weapon and/or a target. While I do not approve of most of the things my daughter’s mother has done since she left, I nonetheless will not speak ill of her in front of my daughter. It’s not productive. In fact, it is counter-productive, and will only serve to create more pain and confusion for my daughter. Speaking ill of me in front of my daughter has the same effect. It’s unnecessary, it’s hurtful, and it’s wrong. I can take insults. My daughter shouldn’t be subjected to hearing them.

In this world, our family and friends are part of the fabric of our lives. But there comes a time when that fabric unravels a bit. And like that thread that is dangling from your sweater, you do more damage by pulling it than you do by simply cutting it off. So, perhaps it’s time to get out the scissors, and cut loose some of the negative energy. Perhaps the coming new year is a time to regroup, recharge, and reexamine how the people around us fit into our lives.

I’ll continue to listen to constructive criticism and learn to better ask for and accept help. But disrespect has no more place in my life, nor that of my daughter. Perhaps those who have chosen to be negative will see that and change their outlook, perhaps they won’t – I can’t control that. But there is far too much in life to worry about to have to add insult and invective to the mix.

Done ranting.

p.s. Do you have negative people around you who you expected to be supportive? Have you had to cut off long term relationships because they became more of a negative influence than a positive one? Drop me a note in the comments.